Its not so much of what happened at the end or the cathelist which started it all... Probably it was not meant to be from the start. Just feel so lost and enstranged from the world all the time..and all these noises...

I just miss you so darn much even though i was the one who ended. Was it my insecurities? Was i too demanding? Maybe i loved and wanted this to work out so bad i just kept seeing its flaws? Now it seems you might be leaving it behind as well while ironically i am left stranded in my own misery...

The hardest part was in letting you go... I really wish...we could just turn everything backwards and probably...just probably... we could start anew...

So now with everything said and done,
i know u're back in the game, having fun.
Whilst its all fine and sweet,
Its deeply amusing as to how it all meets.

I'm sick of this field, this cold dense chill,
'How did it all collide?', i guess its all an undesirable shield.
Maybe its naivete, a compulsive pledge
to seal off all emptiness from corner to ledge.

Years may go past when all is settled and planned,
We might all be strolling along a familiar land.
I might make a double head turn,
but i know it will be different as it was burnt...

Now we are so unbearably near,
yet so chillingly far.
What sets this distance would only be history,
one thats both unimaginable and intangible.

Its so funny how fate occupies its mind,
based on celestial times.
As i sat and listen to its howling wind,
with a familiar but uncertain grin...

-christine

Sometimes pondering over the taboos of a relationship is highly hypocritical and confusing. We usually set aside a few personal rules and guidelines to aid us along the way during the course of a 'relationship'. Which sets me thinking, do we usually abide by such personal laws?

All year round, romantic die- hards gather round small coffee sessions to fantasize over what is deemed by them as 'the perfect relationship'. Yes, girls of this era can be highly insecure and incredulous when it comes to this subject, talking about anything and everything. From the perfect persona to the perfect kiss to the perfect girth... Yes. Call us passionate creatures and obsessive gossip queens who has nothing else better to worry about other than the matching color of our manicures, however, in our defense, we won't be bugging over such issues if guys out there would start living up to it.

Its like an epidemic crisis which never stops. Guys placing all egos aside for the first few weeks when wooing his eye candy and once the wrapper is off and the sweet taste- tasted, it fizzles out faster than an effervescent pill. That's when girls starts to feel all emotional and insecure as guys kick in nonchalant attitudes and provide excuses which was probably recycled. How about the 'play by ear, not by heart'  sort? The ones that promised you eternity but once you vowed to be theirs, they bolt straight for the main gate. Urggh... Look here dudes, don't deem us as 'impulsive or needy' just 'cause you guys are inadequate to provide. Its when guys starts to behave in this manner which leads us females to believe that the only solution and defense mechanism we have left of is to build a great wall around our oh- so- broken hearts. So if one day when you guys finally decide on this particular piece of 'property' you wanna invest on and she says to you " I'm sorry, i'm just not looking for a relationship right now..." It should be a clear message as to what she has been through.

Blame yourselves dudes.

We ain't man- eaters alrighty? Society shaped us this way and its by this rule we must adapt to.
In my view, girls are overly emotional at times but more often than not, we are more selfless than selfish. We tell you when we are not available or ready when we really feel it coming... However, somehow you guys find no sin in requesting for an ambiguous relationship? Let alone conning the whole idea of it and renaming it 'being exclusive friends'. This is all really emotionally deceitful.
Us being gals would mainly take the pill and swallow it cause we are usually blinded by its side effects. If the whole point of a temporal relationship is to get partial satisfaction for a moment in time and hurt so much more after the effect wears off, i would rather not take this dosage of immature 'love' and stay on the dry side.

Somewhere along the lines of this catastrophic era we live in, we just can't seem to escape this emotional wrath called love.
Through development and modernization, love and relationships has taken its bid for constant re-construction as well.

Take for instance this can of 'diet coke' i'm sipping on. The only difference and its main commercial appeal is in the fact that many figure- obsessed women would rather compromise on the rich original taste of  'coke' for something that dosen't taste at least half as bad as long as it's 'calorie- free'. Wells, people often get together nowadays without the real knowledge of what they are actually getting themselves into. The idea and over- hyped 'packaging of love' seems appealing enough to not reconsider thus, without even testing the water first, we often just take the plundge in hopes of experiencing something real and life- changing.
Why do one short- change when it comes to relationships? has no one remember the joy of dating anymore? Do we bear expectations when we date? Ultimately is 'getting together' the only reason why people date?

That being said, are we willing to settle for something less, compromise on the taste or blissful experience just in hopes of something greater in return? It seems as though behind every relationship lies an untold tale. In our time now, it is human nature for people to be motivated by the motives and desirable outcomes of their own perceived reason for a relationship.

Someone onced told me, " Men are like fine wine. It just tastes better with age." ( although trust me, i'm sure she doesn't mean it literally... or at least i hope not.) Are sweet young girls nowadays willing to sacrifice the youth and agility of a potentially driven young lad as a lover so as to short- change for a more mature and financially stable partner? Are their wisdom- est charm and rich experience in life the main attraction here or is it always about the money?

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry i ever accepted your invitation.
I'm sorry after a year and a half of persistence i finally caved in.
I'm sorry for wearing that red dress.
I'm sorry for being cute the way i am.
I'm sorry i took you as the rebound.
I'm sorry i fell for you.
I'm sorry i poured my heart out to you.
I'm sorry things got out of hand.
I'm sorry i let my feelings get in the way.
I'm sorry for being naive.
I'm sorry for trusting you.
I'm sorry for being so weak towards you.
I'm sorry that you never did looked at us as i did.
I'm sorry you didn't have the time to commit.
I'm sorry for believing the fantasies you have built of us.
I'm sorry that i gave it my all.
I'm sorry that i gave you my heart.
I'm sorry that i ever met you.

" We humans sure are arrogant beings. We take so much effort to prevent aging... We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone..."
- Daniel

With that much said, it really sets me thinking. Are we all built for that? Is love a sacred unwritten religion, living; breathing and ultimately consuming within us? Surely it keeps the faith strong while it binds us all as one revolving round the ultimate universe...
But with such a strong bond which keeps us saint at times, the probability of its fetal effects is crucial too, the consequences of failed occurrences can drive one to intense insanity too...In fact, statistics has it that up to 60% of tragic suicidal cases has 'broken hearts' labeled beneath it in blood red letters as its catalyst.

Don't get me wrong, neither am i the cupid who arrived late on 14'th feb, nor am i carrie bradshaw... its just all so hypocritical.
The whole point of loving and being in love is to be fulfilled and get satisfied in every aspect ( some more than others). However, in more cases than 'a few', we somehow get lost in this emotional trade. So instead of seeing the bright joyous light, we just dig ourselves deeper and deeper... our world gets darker and darker... its just so darn confusing.

If love sets us apart and in turn frees us, why is everyone rushing to get tied down?

I say its partly due to an emotional social epidemic crisis. Where everyone is rushing to own something... after all what William Blake said was true. " My business is to create." So it doesn't really matter what is it you did in this life time, weather if you discovered another great painting done by Van Goth, or if its a piece of furniture you created...the point is, you went ahead and created something that represents 'you' and left behind a legacy... something to remember you by.
Thus, it really just brings us back to this social epidemic we have here.
Is all this emotional craze over love just hyped up so everyone can 'own' someone else? Leave a legacy in the form of creating a new life? A new family? If all these were true than the pure connotation of "to love and be loved' would have been lost and turned into something...

materialistic.

To hang on.
to stall on...

I could do this all day long... playing with different conjunctions...
' Being by you,
  being with you,
  being on you... (sounds wrong)'

which ever the case, it has been a bliss knowing you from the start for nothing could better this.
The memories were a bitter- sweet symphony, for i am never good at parting with words, so for what its worth, here goes...

Knowing you was not fate, but a moment of undesirable desire.
A simple gesture of words were what used to swept us away,
for living by realism is how things should be.
No one actually promised life to be easy, it never was... never should be...
they just said it would be a worthwhile experience.
Thus, to live right, one has to experience, embrace, accept, learn and ultimately, move on.
Like what an unexpected risen angel from hell once told me,
" some are meant to stay and impact, whereas others are mere passer- bys."
You have to choose. Fate dosen't make the last decision, nor does it give chances.
Self- motivation working alongside realism does.
Pride that.

I didn't know what was the catalyst for all these unforeseen and vague motivation all at once. Would like to think your wisdom- est stupidity and chauvinism has a tinsy bit to so with it. (No credits intended.)
In anyways, i've finally found the main source to tap and ignite this burning drive in me to power through and you won't be taking center stage, thank you. =D

Lots to doseedosee... ^.^
~~Moving ahead; full stream~~

Licia, oh my god... the moment i saw you today... my heart just shattered... never have i seen you in such pain... that eager but blank stare you gave, what have you done to deserve this? God, oh god... please bless my galfriend... please bring her back to health soon as we all miss her... and seeing her parents in such state... i feel so helpless...

You held my hand... the grip so warm yet so frail and weak...
So much to say, yet you can't seem to recall or explain... Your struggle is evidant and i sure hope this is temporary...

You will be in my prayer day and night dear... please come back to us soon... we love you...

Oh ya, thank you 'mr. cabbie' for those heartfelt advices and your insightful wisdom...
I will try my best ok? i will be strong ^^
You are a great man and from the bottom of my heart,
Thanks.

First off, demi, you are truly a work of art... its not so much of what you did, but how u did it...
Wow i could have sworn... never have i seen anyone demonstrate such disgusting immaturity all at once...
Hey if you would have just told me the truth i would have been so cool, but oh wells, i guess  thats where you want me to place you, i shall...

Has been a long time since i last caught up with you kummie ^.^
glad to know alls' well...i see you've been doing much better ya? In anyways, though yesterday's meeting was short, we could always do it sometime soon ya? I'm sorry i can't join you guys for after party, kinda laying off for the time being if you know what i mean... anyways, not in a stable state to down tons of fermented liquid..haha... I've got to be responsible once in a while i guess...

Managed to pull the plug last night... somehow, it has got to stop, one way or another, one of us has to break the ice. Took me extreme pain to say those words, but your reply this morning was cold utter... Probably it was for the best... ya, probably...

The bay of silence, just the two of us,
no one but our souls closing in...
fingers inter- twined; gazing.
the look of love, we connected...

Amidst the cold winter night,
your embrace left me in no place shorter than that of warmth...
Pulsating heartbeats; adrenaline rush...
" Whats' next?" i asked. For no longer do i dare anticipate...

With a gentle brush across my hair,
your fingers moved southwards... pausing on my lips...
We etched closer... the world has stopped for us...
it was almost paradise.

A vulgar vibration accompanied by a familiar ring...
You slowly fade away as i closed my eyes and started to pray...
They would'nt keep shut for long as the lids flew opened...
It is 8.30am... time for work...

Promises.
Assurance.
Empty words.

You did it again... to actually believe a gal like me can be that dumb, wells, you proved me wrong. I am that sick to have trusted you... i despise no one more than me...
" I'm still busy, we have to reschedule, i'm sorry."
what in the name of Berlin's pants... RESCHEDULE??
is this some kinda sick joke? hey gramps, i ain't one of your clients you can make an appointment with and RESCHEDULE later ya? Am i some kinda chore to you now? an 'after hours' assignment?
 'Honey, i don't wanna be 'inaddiquate'. I wanna be there for you."
Save it.

Stop pushing me around prick! Stop bending me all outta place and be decent enough not to deceit no more...

 You were the one who had always wanted it. Now what? i'm some kinda trophy you display by your fireplace?

You blew it big time. Period.

Done, changed.

Its been days and god knows what you've been up to angel...
You've been a savior in many ways, guiding and teaching me about life and its mischiefs... a mentor in many ways... one that i thought would have provided....

" Its been the longest winter without you, I didn't know where to turn to...see, somehow i can't forget you, after all that we've been through..."
  -Leona Lewis

Wells its pretty evident that you are one confused old fox...my feminine instincts tells me you are still pretty hung up over her.. can't decide on what you want...

In anyways, i'm proud to say that the train has taken its leave... it won't be around for a long time and its a one way track baby... theres no turning back...
You'll just have to catch up on the next terminal...
Thats if you really want...

Thought i could'nt live without you, its gonna hurt when it heals too...
Even though i really love you, i'm gonna smile 'cause i deserve to... it would all get better in time...

The untold tale of Jones' uneventful life... magnanimous yet unfulfilled...
Torn between her soul, its a huge gamble. With self pity and under-lying dead principles on the left and the warmth of her comfort zone on the right... its a tough emotional call...

Many might have known her life filled with literalism of passion, devotion, naiveness and nevertheless, ruthless misfortune

 I'm sorry.
It wasn't pre-planned nor was it intended... for i am just a simple girl trying to make peace with the world...
Kummie... when the time is right, we shall talk...
**kisses**

With a gentle kiss, a gentle warm hug, and a promise from u to me... to be forever true... you sold me...

"could i be yours?" was what u said...
Baby, you had me at hello...

It was crazy... at the spur of the moment... seeing you once more ignited that familiar spark we had... honey, i truly like you... i wanna make it wth you... but...

You said you wanted to satisfy me in every aspect.. to be there for me come what may... i said i dont think you were ready, you are always busy with personal errands, i dont want us to get hurt... you assured me, you said u will try. you want us to work out... after kisses and hugs... a truthful promise from u to me, you swept me off my feet... literally...
holding me in your arms, wth me high up... you asked for my hand... you promised.... you... promised...

It has been 2 days now... things dont seem to be at any progress... you said you will try your best... but...

I just dont feel as if im in a relationship...
Thinking abt you 24/7... the waiting game... its driving me up the wall...

Please...

please....

please.....

First off, i'm sorry j.a.a. As hard as it has been for u, i'm not going tru any lesser pain myself.
The deceit, contradictions, the discontentment... i just can't bear to drag you into this whirlpool.
No doubt i know there are people whom i can count on, i would rather go tru this myself. I want to get myself outta this mess and be able to lift my head above the rest. I cant fully commit myself to anything cause when i do, i want to do it with heart, and give it my all.
I cant accept anything at hand now cause i've yet to fully accept myself. For tht, i hope you truly understand...I need this... personal closure...

Its been months now... i know you ain't serious and i ain't waiting anymore. Just trying to move on. i know i should be better, i can be better and i will be better. I will get there.... i must...

Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is selfless. Love is everything but selfish. Love can take you to the skies to see the moon and the shinning stars, but it could also bring you to the depths of hell. It is a gamble of faith and trust, a kiss from the heart which touches the soul. It enriches and natures, but is never prominent in an instant. Like the wind, you can't see it, but you can feel it......

Christine, you've made such a blunder this past few months, its hard i know... but i accept you, i truly do. :)

Days passed and the hours trickled by... just as i was about to get my feet back on track, i swore to myself never to beat myself down like that again... 'i just wanna be me and feel my soul once again...'

It proved to be hard, long and winding. Just as i looked into the distance, i convinced myself it would be all worth it by the end of the day...or week... or month... years even...
It was early morning and amidst the blazing ray shinning brightly through the carelessly drawn curtains, i heard an alarming ring...
Damn it...to be awaken at such an hour by the cell on my well deserved off day is simply inconceivable! As i grumbled and reached out lazily for this incredulous piece of gadget, i thumbed over the buttons with half opened eyes and 'barely functioning' brain cells. A familiar name flashed across the screen immediately shooting me right up on bed. sitting clumsily at an approximate right angled value and mouth wide open, it was you.
'I missed you.' was all you texted. Nothing more, nothing less.
Such simple few words... yet so many different variations of meanings. As i sat fully awake pondering over the possible connotations of this simple code, i automatically replied" you've been busy i assumed. If you were really interested, than you have a funny way of showing it." A work of sheer gut i must say... how could i have been so cruel as to portray such raw emotions at such an early hour? Respect due, respect paid i must say. For i simply loved myself too much to spare concerns for you.

However, the remaining day was spent dwelling into it. The could haves, and the should haves...

Till this stage, i ask you... why oh why... please spare me and let me be.. if its over, please drop it. Haven't i suffered enough? I drew a line; now's a time to draw yours. Pick your side and stick to it with heart... for i am no longer fit to protest...

The passing months.. drifting by swift as always...cold and chilled, like the blizzard storm of winter.
Though eventful and fruitful, yet the feeling of discontentment still lingers on.
Lying and resting in bed every night; what seemed like ultimate solace and pleasure soon turned into my utmost nightmare...through the unbearable silence and peace of night... the air still smells of you... the gentle touch you once provide engulfs me like wild fire every night and overwhelmingly, i broke down...
Should i even be humping on such personal yet naive heartfelt emotions? True as it seems, it will slow me down.. it will destroy me...

Living with head high above my chin, but heart tucked beneath my feet, life has been a relentless struggle everyday. I could no longer recognize what stood before me as i stared into my reflection..
" Was pain such as these brought upon us just to remind us of a better tomorrow? Was all these part of god's devine plan to nature me? With every dark cloud comes a silver lining... is it all bull?" Those were questions i ask myself as i lay awake everynight, singing to the wind; sobbing in silence...
I miss you... i just respect myself too much to forgive your carnal actions.. but its all too late as time has been lost...
go to sleep... go to sleep... go to sleep... ya.. just keep telling myself that...